It feels like a possession sometimes the way a thought bags at me until I let it out. Here is one such thought:
p loved to address large groups of people, in fact I had thought it a talent of mine. But recently, it was horrible, all that I planned went differently than I imagined, I have had a similar experience where I was asked a thing I understood completely, but when asked in conversation it was as of my mind went completely blank and I didn't know anything. I chalked it up as a teaching experience that I knew nothing of myself and actually, it was not me who could speak to anyone or convince anyone of anything.So, as I prepared to speak in Relief Society prayer became soooo important because I knew that I could not convey anything without help.
I talked to a woman who I think is one of the greatest teachers and she, although it was likely patronizing, congratulated me on doing a good job, and said that she always feels that way,honestly, she always appeared soo serene and comfortable. And I almost saw a sort of mantle fall on others who taught and I thought, "she is a truly gifted teacher." They appeared calm and organized and fit to teach. I felt so bad for how I had done. I had prayed and wanted to teach what was essential to be taught. Maybe, the sisters just didn't need anything close to what I needed.
My last thought was on how my profession was a trainer. I always prepared wellamd felt confident and good about my presentations. My realization was that it is entirely different what I feel and what I convey. I had heard from many seasoned performers that if you do not feel nervous and uncomposed then maybe you shouldn't be performing. Afterall, it is like life, after we do all that we can, we make our offering and the Lord decides how to use us as a tool. Teaching the world successfully and teaching the gospel are completely different as are the worlds.
The most obvious representation of if it all happened when I was made a literal basket case, and invalid. Almost all I had gained and was relying on had been stripped from me, and I felt so different, according to the world it was worse, but, to me it was magical. I would not have survived without spiritual help. But, it felt like I did and said everything imperceptibly perfect. I kinda realized this was the person I truly was, and my potential would be not realized in this world so the notion of reward shifted drastically to include feeling out of place as desirable, strangely.
Now, the video in my mind if I can find it: nope, can't find it, I uploaded it, but it was
causing too many headaches so, I will just type the line that inspired my thought. "It is not until I put their words to parchment that I find relief."
